Back again!?

Wow... so I wake up at fucking 7:45am after I go to sleep at 4:30am just to go with her to her family "gathering" at her grandmother's grave (who died a year and 1-2 weeks ago).. Yep.. I'm running on 4 hours and xx minutes of sleep JUST for her because I love her... soooo.. Her father asked everyone to be there at 8.. 8:10 rolls around and we haven't left yet.. My car isn't driveable right now as I need a new alternator so we couldn't leave but we have to wait on her brother to leave.. whom hops out of the bathroom at 8:10 dressed in night clothes... so her other brother goes to leave at 8:12 and I'm like "lets just go with him..." i guess this statement gives her a right to be a moron.. "lets just wait on abel"... hmm so lets wait another 10 minutes when you wake me up at 7:45 to be there at 8am.. So I say "You woke me up to be late?".. her reply "if you dont wanna go you don't have to"... lol that took the cake as stupid things to say recently.. I'm gonna wake up after only 4 hours and some minutes of sleep on a HOLIDAY (nobody here working today) just cuz I don't wanna go and support the woman I love.. yeahhhhh.. so that pissed me off extremely badly and I said "shut the fuck up and don't say anything else or I won't go".. needless to say she chose the latter and opened her mouth again.. after a few exchanges of censored words later, she said it once more and I told her she was a bitch and that she ruined me going and being there with them.. in fact, I'm still fucking tired of this family.. tired of her. She's completely unappreciative, not to mention she doesn't use her head when she says stuff.. she acts like shes SO independent and unneeding most the time it makes me laugh cuz she's quite the opposite and extremely weak when it comes to emotions.. but we're not really gonna go there right now.. I just like to point out that I get up that fucking early and get no fucking sleep (which was my fault, but none the less I wake up anyways for her) and she pulls this shit on me then claims I don't wanna go... WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WAKE UP IF I DIDN'T WANNA GO HMMMMMMMMMMMMM? Christ... God damn I hate fucking people sometimes. I get so fucking disappointed in them and I'm really getting tired of her actions. If she doesn't shape up we will grow apart. I know because I've fucking been there and I know what will happen..

It's funny cuz she kinda pulled something similar on me last night.. what happened last night? I find out her father bought her brother a car.. Why would this make me mad? Welllll... Annie gave her father 200 bucks because her mom kept coming to her for money.. the money well.. I initially thought it was just to help them out.. but it turns out Annie said her mom said to give them money so her dad stops talking about her...? What the fuck seriously? Give me money and I'll shut up about you? Wow. The irony is they try to act like such a good christian Asian family but they're dysfunctional as hell and everyone continues to do things against each other in multiple ways.. They constantly talk about each other so much and conspire against one another. They really don't seem like a family until something big happens or they have a get together, then everyone acts like they're perfect in front of each other. It's ridiculous as hell.

Anyways.. Annie gives her father 200 to shut him up because he used to constantly bother her before (annoying cynical Asian parent stereotype here).. So I come here and he shuts up a while but starts talking about her again because she's living with a guy unmarried and he's not Asian. Her father is a racist, whether or not he chooses to believe it or not.. that's the case. Me being white has caused negative impacts on his opinions, but then again he was always negative as hell to begin with, the only difference is he won't say shit in front of me and only says stuff behind his daughters back. God these Asians piss me off so much when it comes to this.. They all try to act like they're AMAZING Christians but they gossip so much, even about their own kids... sisters.. brothers.. neighbors.. friends.. they constantly talk about each other! It's kinda ridiculous.. If one thing happens everyone is talking about it.. They're so worried about their reputation it's hilarious also.. Last time I checked, talking about people and having pride are sins. But hey, don't tell them that.. because they're not true Christians to begin with. They knowingly sin constantly and they have no regard for god when they do so. When it comes to fessing up theres always an excuse.. gotta love denial =]

Okay so back on track.. Annie gave her dad 200 bucks to shut him up.. and in return......... he buys her brother (22 years old, "married" quotations because of bullshit) whom doesn't work much.. has a dead end job.. has a child and an nonworking girlfriend.. I won't call her his wife because they're not married officially.. they chose to stay unmarried legally to reap benefits from the state of California.. like medicare and medicaid. They had a child already which they 100% relied on the state to pay for.. Nice ain't it? Let's go ahead and fuck and have a child then rely on everyone else to pay for it because I'm a lazy fuck who feels I'm too good to work to pay for my own child. Oh god.. the mother of that child his "culture wife" is a manipulative bitch and a half. She and him together make quite a dysfunctional married that is based on multiple errors and stupidity.. do I have a right to judge them and their married? Yes. Because they know they're not LEGALLY married and they purposely did it to receive benefits from the state. A non-working single mother gets some easy benefits in California... So.. Annie's 200 bucks went straight to this fucker's car. The funny part is he never needed a car to begin with! He already had his non-working wife's car to drive around when needed and to drive to work. So... he never needed a damn car to begin with, but he guilted his dad into buying him one.. I guess if you truly love your married model christian perfect hmong son then you buy them cars and buy them houses and constantly give them money because they're too lazy and stupid to find a proper LEGAL wife.. let alone be responsible themselves. This guy really takes the cake as a lazy fuck who twist everything to be his way and tries to act like he's high and mighty. He tries to act like the head of the household and act like he's such an amazing christian. It truly makes me laugh and makes me sick to my stomach to see the way he acts.. it really pisses me off because I have to deal with it daily.. and knowing annie works 60 hours a week and she gives 200 to her dad which went right to her 22 year old brother's car whom never needed it to begin with... fucked up aint it?

Moving along.. what pisses me off most about last night and a convo I had with Annie was I did indeed insult her brother and say hes a manipulative asshole and that if anyone needed or deserved a car it was her.. and he had no right fucking everyone over like that.. anyways I was like "I want to move out now, lets go.." so she claims thats fucking her brother over because he cannot afford to live her.. How's that my problem? It's not. So I tell her he constantly fucks everyone here over and he lies to cover his tracks.. he's an egoist tool.. But anyways I called him a moron and a lying ass more then once and I guess annie took offense to it then said we're not gonna fuck him over like I fucked over my best friend.........

That line made me hit the piss off button pretty quickly. To begin with, I left Ohio and dropped everything to move here and be with her.. I don't think I fucked my friend over.. He understood the situation and I even PAID him and helped him find a new roommate somewhat.. I gave him a ton of ideas and places to look.. But besides that.. she has guts to even say that? TALK ABOUT FUCKING UNAPPRECIATIVE... God damn that pissed me off so bad. I did it for HER in the fucking first place and she says something fucking stupid like that.. ".."Like you fucked your best friend over.." That really takes the cake as alltime stupid responses from Annie throughout my time being in California. I actually really thought about leaving her after she said that due to the fact that it shows me she doesn't appreciate me and to even ATTEMPT to use that against me just shows me it wasn't worth doing it for her to begin with. IT WAS FOR HER and she tries to use it on me... "I'm not gonna fuck over my brother like you fucked your best friend over" .. ultimate statement to piss someone off when you do it for THEM.

Just writing this whole entry is really making me mad and upset. She's fading from my conscious and the more stuff she says and does the less I want to be here.. She pushes me much more I'm gone.. I don't think she realize I really will leave her. I honestly won't put up with that shit much more.. I said stuff about her brother that was true and she even knew it.. if someone said stuff about my sister that I knew was true I wouldn't say anything... but if they said it excessively I would ask them to stop.. I wouldn't automatically say something incredibly hurtful to them in attempt to hurt them.. Especially when they leave their lives as they know it for me.. Lots of irony there.. I'm done doing people favors.. I'm so fucking over helping people.. I'm beginning to think my life in cali has been a mistake and I may need to haul my shit all the way back to ohio again and start over once more *sigh*.. Why do people have to be so fucking stupid.. can't I just have someone who uses their head and appreciates me for once? -.-

My fondest memory of complete happiness in life would immediately have to be when I was in 4th grade. Right before school let out every year, the teachers cut loose and let everyone have fun.. we had baseball practice every night and 2 games a week. Life was good. I remember this was before sex and responsibility had complicated every aspect of life beyond recognition. Being a kid is so simple.. just have fun and do what you're told. What more is there to it? Nothing. Playing baseball after school was probably the single funnest thing I ever did. I really can't begin to describe how much better life was then.. My parents were together, I had a ton of friends, I had my hearing.. and I was pulling impeccable grades. On top of all this, I was a really good ball player. I actually think I had a lot of potential to be something great and make something of myself in the sports field. Maybe this is why my life was so amazing at this point due to the fact that the sky is the limit for a kid. You can grow up to be anything you wanna be, no matter the odds. Before the responsibility of the real world comes down on you and everyone changes into bitter hateful things that eventually rubs off on you and turns you into something you never wanted to be. It's really interesting, how looking back I realize I was actually pretty pure as a kid. I got in trouble occasionally because I disobeyed my parents every now and then.. but beyond that I was pretty much pure. I wasn't exposed to the world as we know it. The cruel, hateful twisted lying world in which we struggle through day by day. Life was good.

So yeah I know I haven't posted in a while.. Upon arriving back in California to live I was definitely occupied for a while.. I guess I forgot about live journal for the longest time but I felt the urge to post again for once. ANYWAYS, everything here has far from gone as planned. I do get along with Annie very well for a majority, but we are two completely different individuals in more ways then just one. We bash heads sometimes due to our stubbornness and we often have many cultural differences that lead to her or me being hurt because lack of respect on both sides for the fact that we come from COMPLETELY different cultures and our parents are not much alike at all.

Her parents are typical Asian parents, yes I stereotype most Asian parents in the aspect that they rule their childs lives and force them into many things they don't want to do, ranging from studying 8 hours a day in the summer time, to never going out with friends, to even (get this, this is the kicker) not being able to date anyone until... get this... here it goes! College. Yep, 18 years old.. a high school senior, and you're not allowed to date anyone! Although, I realize a lot of people rebel against their parent's will.. Most Asians don't. They listen to their parents, even down to the last detail, which kind of pains me. How can you expect to be independent or even remotely refer to yourself as independent if you do absolutely everything your parents ask of you at the drop of a hat even at the age of 24. Yes, 24. It's kinda ridiculous but people are raised differently as you can see. I respect the fact that they highly praise their parents and continually try to make them proud.. but the fact remains; Asian parents will never be satisfied. Anyone who disagrees with this is sorely mistaken.

Moving along... A brief update about life here..

I don't really do a lot, but when I do stuff it's generally not for myself. Although I know nobody appreciates 95% of the stuff I do because they don't see it isn't for me. I continually try to help, help, help and help again. It's my nature to help people I like, so people here shouldn't be any different right? Kind of. To be brutally honest, random people I've met in stores or at the bowling alley or at the mall give me far more respect and seem more good natured then a lot of the people I'm surrounded by. I actually had a fun chat with a guy last night at the bowling alley, he was a cool guy.. but unfortunately I'm hearing impaired so I can't just ask for a phone number and to hang out. Kinda sucks, but hey.. that's life. We're all handed different situations and scenerios so make due with what you've got and don't cry.. whether you're blind, deaf, overly emotional or mentally challenged... there will always be ways of getting through positively.

And I know I'm not the best example of anything positive due to the fact that I continually look down on myself. Why do I do this? I'm not quite sure. I honestly think I'll always be a failure simply because I do not put the effort forth that is necessary to succeed. Why don't I do that? Because I feel it would be pointless due to the fact that I'm extremely restricted for most things. People really don't understand, they never will.

Moving along, Let's get back to Annie. As I said above we tend to but heads sometimes but for a majority I really felt like we got a long famishly. I'm dead wrong. Woman can be such liars, I mean cruel.. twisted and hateful liars. They can act happy to your face then do things behind your back that make you cringe when you hear/read about it. What point am I getting at? The fact that I saw annie's xanga and I noticed one major thing. She never mentions me ANYWHERE, so that kinda falls into the fact that I'm majorly unappreciated. Even more scary the fact that the only time I KNEW she was talking about me was a negative entry saying I complain too much about everything. I complain when old people drive slow, I complain when people get in my way on the high way and slow down.. I complain when xxx (<-- fit random scenerio here). So yeah, she didn't up and say my name but I knew it was me because we have argued before over the fact that she feels I'm incredibly spiteful.. I know the blog was wrote last year, but I feel it's hurtful because she wrote about that one bad thing and I was never mentioned anywhere else in the entire blog.. just that one bad thing. Which I find to be quite a bad thing indeed.. Why? Because she doesn't talk about how good to her I am.. she doesn't talk about how much I praise her, how often I buy her stuff.. How I never ask her to lose weight (when her parents constantly do and I know she is definitely overweight without a doubt - to the point that it's unhealthy) considering she has gained some weight since I've been here.. I'm not perfect myself though, I have probably gaines 20 lbs or so since I've been here as well.. I can't lose weight because of the lack of water... the city water here is gross and I used to lose weight by drinking excessive amounts of water.. I can't do that here now =\ SO all I drink are sugar riddened "Tampico" walmart juices that stack up the carbs and evidently go right to my stomach/ass/legs. =\ Annie rarely expresses any love for me, she claims it's just how she is.. but I know for a fact I've treated her far better then anyone in her life ever has and I'm actually kinda getting sick of the disrespect and complete and utter unappreciative stuff she does/says CONSTANTLY... I wish she would use her head before she talks to be honest, she's incredibly stubborn.

Moving along, I am annoyed all the time now. I've noticed I have become increasingly annoyed at many things like her brothers, her, the dogs (which her brother got dumped on him which he's too retarded to find a way to get rid of them - no joke..) he has no desire to have them so he leaves them in back of the house tied up all the time and they bark CONSTANTLY so it annoys the living fuck out of me...Oh and the kids.. Yes, the kids.. the kids that I am not remotely related to in any way nor responsible/obligated/liable to help in any way. Lets go through this story real fast to get you up to date..

Her uncles are both complete failures. I say this nicely.. they seriously are failures in many ways. Her father is the only responsible one - as his two brothers completely dodge their responsibilities and allow problems to grow so much that at the last second they lose everything. One has lost 2 wives, pays child support, has a dead end job which he might lose soon and on top of this only uses his family and friends for .. internet access.. yep.. he hops online to talk to all these ladies from overseas and hours away because he needs *another* failed marriage.

Now, the OTHER brother is quite a trip.. he is the one with 4 kids he is responsible for. Responsibility is assumed here automatically because they are his kids, right? Nope. He dumps them off on everyone else and makes it their problem. Then he doesn't do anything to supply for his kids. This guy is making 100 grand a year as a trucker and he is close to filing bankruptcy and not only that, he apparently came within DAYS of losing his home.. His shit hole home that is a COMPLETE fucking mess.. trash everywhere.. nothing clean. How did this happen? His wife.

Yep, his 28 year old wife went completely fucking mental one day and started throwing away dishes, talking to herself.. sitting in the dark staring at the wall, going into her childrens rooms at 3am and start to talk like a discussion was already going. Oh and turning off the electricity because it is "evil" and breaking her oldest daughter's glasses that she needed incredibly badly as well. This is just the tip of the iceberg. This lady is a raving psycho that pissed away her husband's money year after year and has mounting credit debt. Lets not even go into the fact that she's using her daughter's SSD money to pay stuff off.. Her oldest 13 year old daughter's father was murdered in Houston, Texas back when she was a baby so she gets social security for the death to help buy her daughter stuff.. but guess what, her daughter doesn't see much of it all.. maybe 5% of the total money accumulated over the last several years has actually made its way to her daughter.. doesn't this constitute as fraud? I think so... SO long story short here, the mom is a raving psychotic money spending fraud monkey who barely speaks a word of English even after she has been in the united states for more then half of her life..

The impact it has on her children is quite unimaginable.. they talk EXTREMELY loudly and they also assume no responsibilities. They are extremely anti-social for the most part and the youngest one expects to be treated like a baby even though he is 5 years old. He baby talks and wants to be held so he cries often and yells often to just seek that attention. The kids have been taken from the parents once and almost a second time simply because their dad never assumes responsibility for them. He lies to them nonstop and he doesn't make sure they're fed or taken care of (which they aren't). Anyways.. so the time rolls around to where the state is knocking to take his kids away again and he brings them here to California to live with this family.. Intially, we felt okay about it because we realize they're kids, it's not their fault.. but as time progresses we realize how irresponsible the father is. He has already lied to us on several occasions about coming to see his kids.. he has not paid a penny for us to take care of them and he never calls to see how they are. On top of all this, he is planning on taking them back to live with him and his wife again in Oklahoma before the next school year comes. Yep, back to live with Mr. Irresponsibility and Mrs. Psycho.. Quite a dysfunctional family indeed. So long story short (yes that was mainly the short version above =P) I have had to help buy and take care of these children because they live here with this family now. This 3 bedroom house has 2 of them living here as well which we are expect to provide for.. it's not how I wanted to live my life. I realize they are kids and they are her cousins.. but her parents are far from broke and they could technically watch them if they really wanted to, although they already watch 2 of them.. they should be watching all of them. They are not related to me in any way, they should not be my responsibility..

So, stress has taken it's tole here and all this stuff is mounting up on me along with a nice argument that took place with her brother Abel a few days back. It was quite an argument indeed. I almost knocked him the fuck out, but I resisted every nerve in my body to not touch him on account of him being her brother. The disrespect that guy gave me is uncalled for.. I have done nothing but help him and help his family and he repays me by flipping out on me after I ask about how/why he breaks the door to his bedroom (key thing here, we rent this house so breaking stuff here makes everyone who pays rent equally responsible for objects belonging to the owners of the household).. He says he will replace it and sees no problem with breaking it, lol. He is actually the most immature 21 year old I have ever met besides his other 22 year old brother that works 25 hours a week for minimum wage while his wife sits at home doing nothing and has a kid on the way. Well, she had her kid a few days ago.. but since they're not legally married they immediately get the state of California to pay for their doctor bill for the child. It's a mess there too.. Working 25 hours a week and expecting to provide for his wife and child now .. 25 hours a week.. part time.. minimum wage. *sigh* I'm not even gonna rant about that now because it's pretty much self explainable =]

The more I write here the more I realize it was a mistake to come here. I left a good job opportunity in Ohio and I also left everything I ever knew for this.. I really think it was quite a stupid fucking idea to come here and I can't wait to get out to be honest.. I've tried more then once already to get out but Annie keeps holding me back.. so unfortunately I will likely be leaving without her because she is always going to put the stress of her family, her uncles, her church, everything else on her shoulders and never appreciate a single fucking thing I do for her.

End of motherfucking rant.

Moving likely tomorrow morning =] I'm excited and a little nervous.. the actual drive is 30 hours.. but gotta take into account this is gonna take like 8 gas stops(which is where i'll grab my food and drinks too) and 1 sleep stop and possibly a few bathroom stops but I'll try to link the bathroom stop to gas/food stops so I don't have to stop as much =] I'm assuming its gonna take 40-42ish hours all said and done.. so we'll see >.

I am packing my stuff up.. and going to be with annie.. is that crazy? I've known her a year maybe.. i've talked to her like a year at least.. I've heavily talked to her for about 6 months and EMOTIONALLY talked to her for about 3 months.. I finally visited her and we hit it off so well that I almost cried when I left.. It took every ounce of energy in my entire body to not cry and to not show any signs of weakness to anyone around me... I just can't let people see me be weak =\ Anyways, back on topic.. I am moving.. I am going to los angeles and I will be there for an undisclosed amount of time depending on what happens when I'm there..

scary? Yes.

Nervous? Yes.

Feeling natural like this should all be happening? Yes.

Isn't that odd? Isn't it crazy I'm driving 30 some odd hours and quitting everything here in my life.. leaving my friends and family.. my home.. LEAVING EVERYTHING to go be with her. Yes, she means that much to me and I really got along with her that well.. is that crazy? I dunno.

I call it love. I am giving love a chance and I am going with my heart. I'm not passing her up and I'm gonna hold onto her tighter then I held onto anything else in my life. I'm gonna bite my lip, hold my head high and press on as much as I can. I'll be patient, I'll be kind and I'll be never endingly there for her. She is my true love and I will not give up on Her

Hmm so what has happened lately? A lot. I went to los angeles and just got back a few days ago. I spent a week and a half with annie. The time I had there was simply amazing.. it was like a dream. I'm glad I gave the e-dating thing a chance. I was skeptical due to past experiances but I finally just gave up and went for it cuz I always kinda had feelings for her. She's always been amazing and I figured you can't fake who you are on cam and stuff like that. Me and her were like 2 peas in a pod.. literally. We were together so much and I held her nearly every minute I could there. I love her. I mean I've been talking to her for like a year.. but we didnt get HEAVILY into talking until like maybe 3-4 months ago. And since then its just gotten progressively emotional. To the point of talking to her in ALL of my free time and I stopped hanging out with ppl and going places just to talk to her. But it's all worth it. She is amazing. I really mean amazing.. She's beautiful and she's got SUCH a smile.. it just melts me. That smile is WOW - indescribable.. i don't know where to begin.

Towards the end of my trip there I realized how compatible we were and I realized quite a few other things.. Annie would be an amazing wife and and amazing mother.. so I'd be a complete moron to let that go. I really do love her and knowing how much of an amazing wife/mother she would make just makes me want her even more. I mean yeah, ppl can say we talked online and don't know eachother in real life - on one hand thats semi-true.. but on the other hand I looked into her eyes and I told her I loved her.. she smiled, told me she loved me too and it absolutely made my heart stop beating.. it was like insane.. I can't really describe it too much cuz it was just a feeling you have to experiance to understand.. I didn't really have that WOW factor with Sara.. Sara was a good gf and a great person but I really consider Annie to be heaps and bounds more for me. We think alike most the time too, which was crazy as well.

I took quite a few pics of the trip as well.. and my most favorite of us together was...



She's just so beautiful and I've never been happier or more satisfied in my life. It just exceeded everything I could hope and dream of.

The only problem I had was going home.. that was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I completely did NOT want to leave.. I was head over heels for that girl and she felt the same way about me. I kissed her probably 50 times at the airport before I left and she held onto me tight.. But as I told her just before I walked through security.. It's not goodbye or even bye.. it's see you soon. Cuz I know this is just the beginning.. I feel it =]

Hmm ... So i've been a little busy lately with stuff.. Trying to make a little money selling things off in the game I play online. Of course it's one of those lame fantasy games but it has also given me a nice amount of pocket change.. and for a spare time "hobby" that has in theory paid for itself =]

Umm.. I've been keeping to myself a lot lately, I don't really know why. I talk to that girl online still a LOT and excessively in fact. I am actually planning on going California here shortly for vacation and to meet up with her.. crazy thoughts eh? lol..

Signs is on TV.. Boy haven't we all seen this movie enough? I remember watching this for the first time back in high school.. really feels like it was just yesterday. I think I'm getting old now =[

So.. what's been up lately? Umm.. been trying to hang out with ppl more.. have more fun with my life and of course.. been drinking a bit more then before.. Idk.. I actually find peace in alcohol and I like the flavor of beer, so sue me. No, I'm not an alcoholic - At least that's what I tend to think.. But I mean, just laying back watching tv.. having a talk with friends while drinking a beer.. relaxing atmosphere to say at least.

Trying to work on the job stuff as well.. Been applying to a few places.. one place is waiting on a background check then they get in contact with me.. it's like an agency that helps find jobs.. so I figured why not.. take advantage of my resources and find a decent job!

In other news I've begun to talk to a girl online.. yeah I know e-relationships kinda stuff fail.. but I mean, I've known her for a bit and she's always been amazing.. I really can't deal with girls face to face anymore and I wanted something new.. so it just kinda seemed fitting. And she's been great so far - So we'll see what the future holds... anyways, I'm actually planning on flying out to where she lives for vacation - as I haven't been on vacation for roughly, 5 -6 years? Something like that.. since high school ! Yeah - but, it's been pretty much forever and I'd love to just go somewhere and have no responsibilities for once and just enjoy myself.

Yeah yeah, I know the whole thing could backfire on me.. but it's my choice and if it makes me happy why not. I mean I'm the kinda person that tends to wear his heart on his sleeve and if something really grabs my attention enough I will jump at the opportunity and go for it! So that's how I look at this, she's really great and I'm glad we're just talking now and getting to know eachother.. then I fly out there and meet her, after that hopefully she comes here then idk -.- I really can't predict what the future holds and I don't wanna be one of THOSE geeks who only find girls online.. but I'm.. not. I've had real life love and I've pretty much had it with girls around here.. and, most of all.. I want her =]

Not really in the mood to post a whole lot but umm.. Lately my life has been interesting.. Just giving random things a chance that I usually would overlook. I'm also kinda trying to "weed out" the assholes in my life so of course I don't sponge off their attitude and end up being similar.. that's something I don't need.

In other news I think I need to go grocery shopping.. I can't live on fast food all the time, lol. It's expensive and unreasonable.. I only eat once a day.. so it should be something healthy like salads. I should actually consider going back on the only veggies diet.. It worked wonders. For 2 1/2 months all I ate was veggies. I didn't eat ANY meat.. or drink milk or soda period.. It's incredibly healthy and I dropped weight quickly.. felt more energized as well..

hmm just random thoughts =\

Well.. The amanda issue blew up in my face. She wanted to hang out with Jason then asked me for approval.. I mean not that she had to, just that she felt it was respectful to ask me if it was okay to hang it with jason. And I of course opposed cuz jason is my friend and I thought it was wrong for a friend of mine to hang out with a girl I felt strongly about. Anyways, she flipped out and said it was better if she stops talking to both of us instead.. so I kinda tend to agree... she also said couldn't handle talking to me anymore cuz the fact that I liked her.. and she said it wasn't fair she couldn't hang out with jason.. then blocked me and said to tell jason she wasn't gonna talk to either of us anymore. Anyways, Ryan came back from work and we briefly discussed it.. he mentioned I never dated amanda like 100% boyfriend and girlfriend dated.. so I mean.. I see his point... And he went on to say I cling to her cuz I'm lonely. I lack a job right now and I'm taking a break from school so I just cling to wanting to be with her due to the fact that my social networking is so limited due to those things.. so she's right there in front of me and I naturally go for the first thing... I'm an idiot like that.. I really shouldn't like her especially after all said and done.. I don't know how I could have been such a moron and continually gave her a chance after everything that occured.. for those of you who don't know the story.. we hung out several times and each time after we messed around and talked in depth, she would ignore me for a few weeks to a month after then make up a random story to cover. She's a player, nothing more, nothing less. She's not capable of a relationship without wanting someone else. So I really need to just get a job now and just move along and stop talking to her.

In other news.. ryan made me realize that I really do need to do something more with my time then what I've currently been doing. Spending it online talking to ppl instead of being more like my old self and going out and having fun with ppl. I used to go drink and party with friends and just ignore ppl. That kinda backfired on me cuz I lost a lot of friends but I also gained some at the same time. In any event, I really need to stop being an idiot.. and I need to just go have fun with my life instead of feeling my options are limited and going for the first person there.. stupid me. Moving along.. i gotta stop spending so much time online.. i need to get back to working out again and back to actually hanging out with ppl face to face.. I need changes and I need them now.

Lol.. My life has been pretty crazy lately. My habit of sleeping 10 hours a day is catching up to me and I'm missing a lot of stuff that I otherwise wouldn't think of missing on a typical day. For instance I wake up at 2pm and my roomate just got back from some random venture, damn I missed it! Or I wake up at 5pm on a sunday cuz of partying too late saturday and it turns out a good friend of mine wanted to hang out but has to work at 6. Yeah, I guess my sleeping is unhealthy, due to the fact that I sleep so much. But, I do however RARELY get sick. I'm talking full blown sickness, like virus.. shivering.. the works. I guess the sleeping really boost my immune system.. Either that or my alcohol intake on a weekly basis, lol.

Alright in other news I kinda sent a friendly note to jason asking him to politely back off. Jason is a good friend of mine I've known since middle school and we've never pursued the same girl cuz guys basically have a code of ethics to not do that to your friend.. Fortunately he's beginning to ignore that rule and it's beginning to piss me off how he's constantly trying to talk to this girl all because hes "bored" as he claims. Even after I politely asked him to stop I still see him doing it. I plan on going by his place tomorrow and hanging out then I guess I'll bring it up and let him realize I'm serious. I am 100% serious about it. I don't think he has a right to do that. I mean yeah, I don't own her.. but you do not do that to your friends.. especially when your friend likes someone THAT much.

Castaway is on tv. Good move =] I'm gonna go chill and watch it.. more to come later..

Yep, there I said it. I think I'll start posting again.

Sometimes I sit down and read my older entires here and just think to myself how far along I've come in life.. Now that I'm 23.. I don't feel 23.. I still think I'm a kid at heart. I still love a good time, I enjoy drinking and partying with friends. Hmm, I guess that is kinda grown up if you think about it. I mean, 10 years ago that stuff couldn't really happen. Come to think of it.. 10 years ago I was living with my mother on her farm getting straight A's at madison plains middle school.. Pretty crazy how that seems like it happened SO long ago and it was just 10 years ago. Idk.. Time seems to be flying.

My life is more or less the same as it has always been.. Relaxed and stressful combined.. how both? Simple.. I put myself on a crash course with ppl so that I absorb their feelings and mood. It's just the kinda person I am. People around me can easily change my mood.. That's probably why I hate surrounding myself with assholes because I'll end up becoming them.. Not that I'm not an asshole, just that I don't need to become any worse...

I think maybe I will post again.. and begin to talk about how my life has been in the past while I've been away. Perhaps it'll help me reflect and maybe learn.

Recent news.. I'm still trying with Amanda.. yep.. still. I honestly dunno if I'll ever be able to fully give up on her.. as long as I can still sense the love in her eyes when she smiles at me.. I know deep down she cares for me no matter how hard she tries to run from it or how harsh she can be to me.. It's pretty crazy how I don't give up hope for her.

She's just something different. With Amanda.. everything is.. random. Everything is sexy and everything is unexpected. She's so beautiful so I mean, it's not really hard to see why I like her so much. If you look into her eyes like I do.. If you lay with her in bed and whisper how much you care about her and see her look up at you like I do.. it's just.. amazing.. Even though we've never actually had a set relationshipship.. we've more or less hooked up a few times randomly.. she really hurt me twice.. i really emphasize on the hurt.. Took time to recover but I learned...

I'll write more later.

I wish I could just drug myself and fall asleep.. I have too many
things on my minds and they keep me from falling asleep..
Although, I'm tattered and worn to the bone right now, it's nearly
impossible for me fall asleep. Being ignored is one of my biggest
peeves ever and if someone ignores me I desperately try to fix
the situation. I'm not really used to being ignored as it is, I mean
most people reply to me.. Even if it's negative.. or hurts me
a solid reply is definitely better then nothing at all.. I had
a pretty good time with Amanda last night, although I felt like a
total idiot half the time cuz I couldn't think of anything to say
yet I hope I came accross as caring.. Afterall, I rubbed her back for
like what, 3 hours or something? Not to mention gave her a massage
which I'm confident I'm not the best massager in the world, but
I put a lot of feeling emotions into it, so I dunno.. In reality,
I just wanted her to feel better..
I really felt horrible watching her cough so much and not being able
to help at all. I did mention cough syrup to her like 3 times, but
I just wanted for her to feel better.. I really hope that didn't come
accross as too strong or too bossy like.. That really wasn't my
intent at all. So anyways, I felt bad in general cuz she had to drive
home with a broken care window and she's sick as it is.. bad combo
and I really should have offered to drive her home or something, but
I honestly doubt she would have gone for that as it is... Hmm so
I texted her after she left.. Just thanking her for coming and so
on.. no reply.. Well, I knew she was tired and had shit to do.. so
I didn't really care.. then today.. I texted her around 4, just
telling her I got sick cuz I didn't eat before I worked out.. I
dunno, just trying to start a convo.. No reply :\\ Then I tried at
like 7 or 8.. Just seeing if she was okay.. No reply :\\\\ So..
I spent most of the night wondering if she was okay or not, cuz
I know she has been battling sickness and it truly worries me quite
a bit if I think of her going the hospital, etc... Anyways, I
figured maybe she was busy again or maybe sleeping, I dunno.. and
texted her around 1:30am or so saying I was going to bed and that
I wish she had texted me back cuz I was a bit worried.. yep,
No reply again :\\\\\\ Well, All I know is I prolly won't be
sleeping easy tonite at all, I've been trying for about an hour
just to toss and turn. I really hope she's okay cuz I'm kinda
worried right now. I dunno though, I really cannot take being
ignored. And if that's what's going on here and we're having a
repeat. Then she straight up lied to me 100% when she promised
she wouldn't hurt me again. She told me multiple times she wouldn't
hurt me again and she wasn't going anywhere. But, past situations
have given me huge reasons to worry. I put a TON of faith into her
yet again and I'm reallly fucking worried right now that it may
come back on me or something. If I don't hear anything from her
by tomorrow night I will likely flip out :| And most people probably
think.. Wow, you're crazy for freaking out after just 2 days.. well
I've been waiting on her like 3 months and she ignored me once before
not to mention she promised to NOT hurt me again. She said she wasn't
going anywhere and she really got close to my heart. I love looking
into her eyes, she makes me feel so damn good.. Just watching her
smile, really sends a calming feel down my whole body. I just feel
like I mean something to someone and as apposed to my life lately
someone actually cares about me. I've been really lonely though
quite a bit of shit that's occured in the past 6 months and I really
don't think I could handle entirely too much more. I need her to
be there for me and I need her to give me 100%.. cuz that's what
I give her... 100% of my attention, 100% of my caring.. 100% of my
emotions. I really need the same thing in return. Especially since
everything she told me online, I'd really think she WOULD return all
that to me AND be more into me then I am into her. I mean she made
it sound like I was the guy of her dreams, etc etc.. She made it
seem like she's done playing games, like she's gonna settle down and
work everything out with me.. Like I was the one for her.. *sigh*
I know though, that I probably said way too
much to her online and probably not enough in person.. Althought
I really felt like we left off on a good page. She seemed happy
and generally excited to be around me. We kissed a bit even though
she was sick. I really didn't care and I didn't wanna wait any
longer to plant one on the girl of my dreams. Yeah, cuz that's
exactly what she is.. the girl of my dreams.. I can't let go of
her no matter what she does. I'd rather kill myself then let go
of her. Which is why I don't know how I'll react if we have a repeat
of what happened in the past :\ I'm gonna attempt to sleep again now.

So... past few days have been okay. My grandfather passed away today around 12:30pm EST.. It's pretty saddening, considering I didn't even get to say goodbye. But, my father mentioned it wouldn't have mattered because he was pretty incoherent in his past few weeks. He went through a ton of problems that ranged from kidney failure to heart attacks. I honestly didn't know he was that bad. My father kinda didn't tell me the 100% truth until 2 days ago, mentioning he was in a HOSPICE and they were EXPECTING him to die quickly. Then I get an IM around 1pm EST from my father saying my grandpa died 30 mins ago. Great.. Great...

In other news, the amanda situation is done. Dead. And completely and utterly over with. She played games and she runs from people who try to help. She's very unstable and likely will end up never being happy.

So, I'm apparently meeting a new girl on friday. Her name is Rachel. Trying to be optimistic here, but you never know. I mean, the past 2 girls I've tried to hang out with both ended up not being anything. I mean, I'm friends with the first one, but I don't see me ever talking to amanda again, at least not for a while. So, I'm being really skeptical that this new girl will really be a change. I'll take it slow and be flirty for a change. I really need to flirt more. I have a problem with being too laid back sometimes and I miss oppertunities because I basically chicken out. I mean.. keep in mind I was with my ex gf for 3 1/2 years, so I didn't have to flirt with anyone or anything. So since we broke up a few months back, I'm like a fish out of water, totally clueless still, lol...

Wish me luck on rachel friday and Rest in peace to my grandfather Ron Blosser. I hope he knows I did love him very much and I will never forget him.

It's ironic how I'm there for people when they're down and how i try to be there for people and all. When things come my way, nobody is here for me. Why is that? Why don't people have the fucking decency nowdays to at least give you some mutual respect and fucking be there for you when you're down? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK? JESUS CHRIST....

Long story short. I owe a lot in credit debt. No joke. Trying to take care of this shit so badly, been trying to sell so much stuff and be frugal with money. I'm fucking up in school and i don't even care, it's like I'm totally un fucking motivated and I can't figure out why. BOTH of my grandfathers are about to fucking die. My dad's father is in the worst situation. His bodily functions are deteriorating and I can't even go see him or talk to him. My mother's father isn't as bad, but he did come close to dying. I can't really go see him either because it always causes time conflicts. I was never that close to him like I was my dad's father. but he's still my grandfather and I won't have any grandfathers left once they die. Story on my dad's father, he's in a hospice now, they're waiting for him to die and pumping him with drugs to ease the pain as his body slowly lets out. My mother's father is similar, he's VERY very weak right now and he's honestly a good guy. They both are.. they both worked really fucking hard to provide for my parents and it's like i dunno.. i'm a total fuck up compared to them, i've accomplished nothing in my life. I lose everything I love and I just sit around and cry about it cuz I'm rly bad at dealing with shit sometimes, I always handle it wrong and fuck everything up.

RIP to my grandpa blosser who will be passing any fucking day now, my father said to pray for him so he dies in his sleep peacefully.

Rip to my grandpa paxton.. whenever he goes. My mom is real torn up about his health, but he's held out over the past 3 years on the edge, so we've kinda built up a feeling that he'll be okay.. kidding ourselves I know..

RIP to having fucking friends or anyone there for you.

k, so last night I went out with my neighbor again.. met up with him at a bar on campus.. they had dollar a draft night.. you buy a cup thingy and the first fill for 3.50 and then every fill after that is 1 dollar.. so naturally I made good use of that cost :) we did a double shot also, not sure what the hell it was.. but it wasnt bad at all.. the best thing about hanging out at bars = free booze.. people always offering free booze, so who the hell am I to turn it down? lol.. anyways, I reallllllly got hammered.. and we played pool, we got our asses kicked a few times and some other times it went down to the wire.. I'm really impressed tho cuz me and ben (my neighbor) make a hell of a pool team, haha.. bah.. as good as all that was, and as good as getting drunk has been, I'm still lacking having a gf.. and I'm still confused by the whole amanda deal.. she's practically blowing me off hardcore now and I dunno wtf to do about it.. i sent her a text on saturday saying hi.. and i didn't expect a reply cuz I knew she was working.. but anyways I emailed her this morning.. like really early and I know she checks her facebook every day so I'm not 100% if she read it or not, but I know I texted her about 30 mins ago and no reply.. she COULD be working right now or in class, but I know how she is with her phone.. always paying attention to it.. seems like I'm getting blown off.. sucks major ass and I dunno what to do now.. my roomate told me to just move on, which it'd be hella easy if i didn't like her right? it'd be a snap if we didn't connect.. but i mean.. you can't fake a connection and you can't fake the "look" when you look into someone's eyes.. etc.. we had all that and I dunno why the hell she's running from it.... ahhhhhhhhhh... god i hope she gets in contact with me soon or she's gonna miss out on a great relationship :\

So last night my neighbor comes home from work when I'm outside smoking, he's like "what are you doing tonite". I was like "nothing, likely" lol.. anyway he invited me to go to a bar where his co-workers were and shit so we go and it turns out being okay at first. I mean I didn't know anyone or anything so I was kinda quiet at first, but then when we started playing pool I warmed up a bit.. actually had a decent time at the first bar, by the time we left around 1am I was buzzed.. so we decide to hit up another bar on campus where one of his friends was.. we get there and it's like hella crowded.. we do a shot and drink more booze.. then decide to play fooseball with the girls we were with.. it was actually fun, the girls did kick our ass in the first game tho, prolly cuz by this point I was a little too drunk to do much. Ben, my neighbor, was drunk also and it was fun.. the girls around us were decent.. it was funny cuz one came up to me smiling and shit so randomly then grabbed my ass and walked off.. I was like 'wtf', lol.. anyway the bar closed at 3am and everyone was standing outside and shit talking.. just a really chill moment and all.. so we finally go home and I got home at like 3:30 or something, drunk as a skunk.. but at least I had a decent time.. didn't meet any girls, but I did have fun.. it's hilarious how random girls on campus can be when they're drunk.. i dunno how many girls came up to us in all, but its like 5-10.. and we had no clue who the hell they were or anything, lol..

Lol.. I just looked back all the way to sara's time with me and all. And I realized all my post are bitching about one thing or another. It's kinda funny actually how I cried so much about things. I'm still kinda the same way, I'm like super proactive and I hate things that take a long time :\ Unfortunately, that's a horrible trait and I need to learn to stop being like that and find other things to do. Because, obviously it's gonna screw a lot of things up. I need to be more chill and laid back about people.

Okay i feel like spilling my guts here for once, some place I know people won't read and some place I know that I can say absolutely anything unprotested and unoffensive. Hmm, now the story goes...

I met a girl through my friend ryan, her name was amanda and I was absolutely immediately stunned by how beautiful she was. I was actually really nervous as to how to act around her because I figured she had guys drooling over her on a daily basis, etc. So, naturally I play it slow and be a gentleman. I open doors for her, I smile at her every chance I get and I listen to her. So she finally has to go home the day I meet her, because she has to study for a test and I figured.. Lol, like I have a chance with her. But anyways I walk her to her car and tell her to be safe and i had a good time with her. She leaves and I quickly go to bed - As I felt like complete shit that entire day. But, I didn't let how bad I felt interfer with me hanging out with her, cuz she seemed worth it.

Anyways, I'm sitting in bed and all, chilling and trying to fall asleep then my friend wakes me up like 30 mins later telling me she texted him. I was like 'wtf man, I'm trying to sleep".. he's like "believe me, it's worth getting up for" and then he told me how she told him she liked me a lot and how i was a true gentleman with her, and she'd see me the next day again.

Yeah so the day passes and she comes over and we all go out and have fun at a bar and slowly but surely i get closer to her, trying to keep it moving slow cuz I didn't wanna rush it or anything. But basically, that night she slept over. I got drunk too before the night ended and I know I didn't say too much to her or say anything completely stupid.

Anyway she goes home the next day and then tells me before she leaves she'll see me that night after she got off work. I was like "hell yeah she really likes me". and I started warming up to her and all.. she comes over that night around 2:30am or so and we talk a bit then go to bed. While still playing it slow and all. the next day we talk and shit then she leaves for work around 3 again.. and again says she'll be back that night..

Boy was I happy at that point. I really started getting fond of her. A beautiful girl that is interested in me and returning over and over? I must be doing something right here! Anyway, the day passes and she comes over at like 3:45 am and I was a bit mad that she came that late at first and I was tired as hell cuz I actually waited up on her to come.. but I was so fucking happy she came anyway and we kissed, talked.. etc.. got into depth in some convos and then finally went to sleep

Next day she leaves a bit earlier, I think like around 1 or 2pm.. and she tells me she'll try to come back that night. This is where it got scewed up.

Up until this point nothing had happened to keep us from spending time together, so I was getting really greedy with my time and all.

We get a text that night - to ryan (my roomate - cuz I dont have a cell) that she cant come cuz shes having probs with her friend. Her friend got kicked out or something and went straight to her appartment :| Naturally I was like 'damnit no.." but i understood and all. So the next day she tells me she'd TRY to come over. and she can't cuz her friend is still around :\

So By now I'm going through withdraw a bit from her cuz I spent so much damn time with her then she was gone :\

Next day, same situation. Her friend is over and she can't leave her. :|

Soooo, the next day I kinda go a little emo when she again tells me she can't come over because she's at her friend's grandma's and they're having an intervention thingy. I kinda texted her through AOL like 4 times I think and I really didn't think it was too forward. I mean, i was like come over whenever you get a chance. then she was like "i dont have gas" then I go "i can come over there" then she goes 'my place is really dirty" so i go " i don't care what your place looks like, i just wanna see you" .. and then she got offended by my forwardness or something and ryan was texting her at the same time asking her to come over - which I wasnt aware of..

So the next day I was like, not really sure what to think of the situation, and I was expecting her to come over as she said she would... then that she texted my roomy that she had a flat tire. So I was like.. quick to react and like you know, I could come over and help or come over and be with ya.. but nope.. anywayz i got drunk cuz I was really upset by this point, i wasn't sure if she was purposely blowing me off or what... i just know i was really missing her, although we only hung out like 5 days in a row, i got hooked quickly. Umm so when I was drunk I got in a huge argument with my roomate and his gf witnessed it and then spoke to the girl on the phone and the girl finally leaves me a message on facebook saying she'll see me the next day. That she also liked me And that I wasn't her boyfriend "YET" with capitol letters, making me feel like perhaps she really wanted me to be soon.

So the next day after she promised me in an email that she'd come over, she again doesn't.. this time it's cuz she doesn't feel good. I mean I understood 100%, but I really wanted to be there for her. Thus far I had totally played cool and tried to be really patient. But, I am the kind of person that likes to be there for people when they are sick or hurt. So I wanted to go over and see her, take a movie or w/e. Anyways, she pushed me away right away then I kinda pressed it a bit cuz I missed her. Now it gets really screwy...

I guess it was a bad move cuz she told my roomy in a text that I was coming across as desperate and that she was done dealing with all this. It was too stressful. keep in mind I barely contacted her. Maybe 5 text the day before and maybe 5 text or so that day trying to press it a bit more and make her realize I wasn't there to fuck her over, I really wanted to go over and be there for her. she's apparently really independent and doesn't like help, from me at least.

Yah so.. it left off with her asking for me to give her some space and me totally thinking the entire thing was fucked and done with, but I dunno.. I mean, I could be over thinking the entire situation, but I'm the kinda person to analyze what happens in my life and try to fix things. The last text I sent her said to have a good weekend and to stop worrying about everything so much. She replied thanks and said that eventually she would let me help her, but for right now she didnt know me enough.

So now I'm just giving her space and not really sure what more I can do. My roomy's gf told me that she'll come back to me and just to give it time. But, I honestly doubt it. I mean, it was one thing after another. If she really wanted to see me, she would have. She could have invited me to go over there or she could have asked me to pick her up, etc.

I haven't heard from her now for 2 full days, but I know she had to pull doubles all weekend at work. So, you know. I'm kinda lost here cuz I've never experianced any of this before. I'm so used to girls ENJOYING guys who are forward and caring. and LETTING you help them when they're in times of need.

I'm probably blowing this all out of proportion anyway, but I mean seriously. I'm like being a total woman here just cuz I can't see her. Actually re-reading this entire essay kinda makes me realize I should have just backed up in the first place. I kinda pressed on her too much to come over. If she wanted to come over, she would have.. I didn't need to press it.

But, as for the future holds here, I'm not really sure. I like her a lot, in the short time I got to know her, I found a ton of good qualities. She's a good person and I really wanted to treat her like a princess. But, It's really hard to say if she's gonna contact me again and live up to what she said about liking me and all. She told My roomy's gf 2 days ago that she liked me a lot still. Really hard to know what's gonna happen tomorrow or monday tho, once she does get some free time again.

And I'm obviously over-thinking it without a doubt. But, I mean.. It's like in your life you only meet a handful of REALLY awesome people that you can be instantly drawn to. And she was one of those people. I really wanted it to work out with her, she was truely beautiful. And I'm gonna stop typing now before my fingers fall off.

Turns out we actually broke up after 3 1/2 years and 1 1/2 years living together on and off. Who would have thought?